Salam alaikum,
The days seem to be ending quick... i am tired yet excited at the same time... like a long lost lover that is going to see her love after a very very long, exhausting dark journey. Finally I will get to be in His bait... His Home... where all my energy, my focus will be completely on Him and me. Where the sound of the adhaan, the taste of zam zam will wipe out the thirst that has lodged in my throat for a long long time... or maybe the taste of my own tears will wipe out the darkness left by the endless sins....the constant tawaf begging, pleading for His Mercy, His forgiveness....maybe that will finally give me the closure that I seek, maybe that will finally give me the peace that forced me to pray to Him to invite me to His Home....
And there I was hoping that when this day comes I will be alone on this journey towards Him, all it will be is me and Him. I shall only beg Him for forgiveness. Coz once I have that, thats all I need to start afresh.... I apologized, and have requested the forgiveness of ppl I have hurt knowingly.... yet I was ungrateful to Him, I was away from Him.... I need to set that right.... I need to know that He did wipe the slate clean ...coz He is the Only One who can.... yet I am once again put in a position where I stand on the lake with both my feet in two different boats...One that might be more acceptable to dad....and one that is more acceptable to me.... one good for my duniya and one that is good for my deen (at least this is what I can see standing in the box...) one who on the face of it looks like a perfect match for me.... and another who seems like a complete opposite... weird how everyone who looks at me seems to think which one I would like or go for.... and yet when I am inclined towards the other...they are shocked....and what comes out is ... u do not know your own worth.... neither do you know my worth....only Allah knows....
I feel guilty... I feel like I have an agenda now.... a lil thing creeped up in the white paper that I was taking with me... a lil to do list took shape... how and why I don't know... all I know is I need His guidance....I want Him to show me the way... to light the path I'm supposed to walk on...the path that will keep me on sirat al mustaqeem.... the path that will lead me to be closer to Him....
It will happen... I know it will...and what if it doesn't happen the way my mind could think of it happening....well in that case He will give my heart the strength to bear what He has willed...and bear it with an Alhamdulillah and a smile on my lips...inshAllah....
Monday, March 26, 2007
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Let it be known or Lie or Hide.....
Assalamualikum,
Time and again I am faced with this dilemma, should I answer it honestly, or should I lie or should I hide. But then I am not given a choice in this matter by Allah. Its not like I live in a vacuum where I can do something one day and erase it the next.
True our lives are like white-boards or blackboards(talk abt being ancient) we do move on to newer chapters, we do move on ahead yet in one form or the other, the earlier writing on the board leaves a mark. No matter how hard you erase, the light writing can still be read by a person looking at it hard enough.
So why even try to erase all that can be read, could it be possible that what you write on that board now is becoz of what you can see of what was written in the past.... is it possible that you are what you are becoz of what you did, the choices you made, and if you are a better person...does it make sense in saying that you would like to change all that you have done in the past.....
What abt when someone asks you abt the choices you made, the things you did, which are not the norm of the society you live in. Were they wrong? I think not, why do I think they were not wrong, coz I got closer to Allah, coz I learned humility, coz I learnt to value what all I have, coz I learnt that as long as I had my deen I did really have everything, I learnt to understand myself, I learnt to understand others, I came face to face with my flaws and I had to work myself out of them????
And how do girls do it, how does anyone do it for that matter. I am what I am, I did all that I did. I experienced, I battled, I was successful by the grace of Allah... then why lie to someone, why behave like that never existed. Plus how can I do that, I mean is there even a way that I could tell someone that I didn't work my way thru college, that I didn't live by myself, that I didn't love another human being......
Are we even right in expecting that from another? And why are men expecting that from women yet not delivering it themselves? Why are you shocked when I tell you I lived all alone? Why are you surprised when I tell you that I have a lot of responsibilities, why does being honest abt these matters lead you to be silent?
Go ahead be silent, I can't do much. Only time can prove what I am capable of doing when it comes time to build a life with another, only time can show you that sometimes the one that gets overlooked might just have been the good one.
But as for me, I will not advertise it yet for the sake of being honest to myself, for the sake of being respectful to you, for the sake of basing a lifelong relationship on honesty I will answer ur questions truthfully.
Time and again I am faced with this dilemma, should I answer it honestly, or should I lie or should I hide. But then I am not given a choice in this matter by Allah. Its not like I live in a vacuum where I can do something one day and erase it the next.
True our lives are like white-boards or blackboards(talk abt being ancient) we do move on to newer chapters, we do move on ahead yet in one form or the other, the earlier writing on the board leaves a mark. No matter how hard you erase, the light writing can still be read by a person looking at it hard enough.
So why even try to erase all that can be read, could it be possible that what you write on that board now is becoz of what you can see of what was written in the past.... is it possible that you are what you are becoz of what you did, the choices you made, and if you are a better person...does it make sense in saying that you would like to change all that you have done in the past.....
What abt when someone asks you abt the choices you made, the things you did, which are not the norm of the society you live in. Were they wrong? I think not, why do I think they were not wrong, coz I got closer to Allah, coz I learned humility, coz I learnt to value what all I have, coz I learnt that as long as I had my deen I did really have everything, I learnt to understand myself, I learnt to understand others, I came face to face with my flaws and I had to work myself out of them????
And how do girls do it, how does anyone do it for that matter. I am what I am, I did all that I did. I experienced, I battled, I was successful by the grace of Allah... then why lie to someone, why behave like that never existed. Plus how can I do that, I mean is there even a way that I could tell someone that I didn't work my way thru college, that I didn't live by myself, that I didn't love another human being......
Are we even right in expecting that from another? And why are men expecting that from women yet not delivering it themselves? Why are you shocked when I tell you I lived all alone? Why are you surprised when I tell you that I have a lot of responsibilities, why does being honest abt these matters lead you to be silent?
Go ahead be silent, I can't do much. Only time can prove what I am capable of doing when it comes time to build a life with another, only time can show you that sometimes the one that gets overlooked might just have been the good one.
But as for me, I will not advertise it yet for the sake of being honest to myself, for the sake of being respectful to you, for the sake of basing a lifelong relationship on honesty I will answer ur questions truthfully.
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