Salam alaikum,
The days seem to be ending quick... i am tired yet excited at the same time... like a long lost lover that is going to see her love after a very very long, exhausting dark journey. Finally I will get to be in His bait... His Home... where all my energy, my focus will be completely on Him and me. Where the sound of the adhaan, the taste of zam zam will wipe out the thirst that has lodged in my throat for a long long time... or maybe the taste of my own tears will wipe out the darkness left by the endless sins....the constant tawaf begging, pleading for His Mercy, His forgiveness....maybe that will finally give me the closure that I seek, maybe that will finally give me the peace that forced me to pray to Him to invite me to His Home....
And there I was hoping that when this day comes I will be alone on this journey towards Him, all it will be is me and Him. I shall only beg Him for forgiveness. Coz once I have that, thats all I need to start afresh.... I apologized, and have requested the forgiveness of ppl I have hurt knowingly.... yet I was ungrateful to Him, I was away from Him.... I need to set that right.... I need to know that He did wipe the slate clean ...coz He is the Only One who can.... yet I am once again put in a position where I stand on the lake with both my feet in two different boats...One that might be more acceptable to dad....and one that is more acceptable to me.... one good for my duniya and one that is good for my deen (at least this is what I can see standing in the box...) one who on the face of it looks like a perfect match for me.... and another who seems like a complete opposite... weird how everyone who looks at me seems to think which one I would like or go for.... and yet when I am inclined towards the other...they are shocked....and what comes out is ... u do not know your own worth.... neither do you know my worth....only Allah knows....
I feel guilty... I feel like I have an agenda now.... a lil thing creeped up in the white paper that I was taking with me... a lil to do list took shape... how and why I don't know... all I know is I need His guidance....I want Him to show me the way... to light the path I'm supposed to walk on...the path that will keep me on sirat al mustaqeem.... the path that will lead me to be closer to Him....
It will happen... I know it will...and what if it doesn't happen the way my mind could think of it happening....well in that case He will give my heart the strength to bear what He has willed...and bear it with an Alhamdulillah and a smile on my lips...inshAllah....
Monday, March 26, 2007
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Let it be known or Lie or Hide.....
Assalamualikum,
Time and again I am faced with this dilemma, should I answer it honestly, or should I lie or should I hide. But then I am not given a choice in this matter by Allah. Its not like I live in a vacuum where I can do something one day and erase it the next.
True our lives are like white-boards or blackboards(talk abt being ancient) we do move on to newer chapters, we do move on ahead yet in one form or the other, the earlier writing on the board leaves a mark. No matter how hard you erase, the light writing can still be read by a person looking at it hard enough.
So why even try to erase all that can be read, could it be possible that what you write on that board now is becoz of what you can see of what was written in the past.... is it possible that you are what you are becoz of what you did, the choices you made, and if you are a better person...does it make sense in saying that you would like to change all that you have done in the past.....
What abt when someone asks you abt the choices you made, the things you did, which are not the norm of the society you live in. Were they wrong? I think not, why do I think they were not wrong, coz I got closer to Allah, coz I learned humility, coz I learnt to value what all I have, coz I learnt that as long as I had my deen I did really have everything, I learnt to understand myself, I learnt to understand others, I came face to face with my flaws and I had to work myself out of them????
And how do girls do it, how does anyone do it for that matter. I am what I am, I did all that I did. I experienced, I battled, I was successful by the grace of Allah... then why lie to someone, why behave like that never existed. Plus how can I do that, I mean is there even a way that I could tell someone that I didn't work my way thru college, that I didn't live by myself, that I didn't love another human being......
Are we even right in expecting that from another? And why are men expecting that from women yet not delivering it themselves? Why are you shocked when I tell you I lived all alone? Why are you surprised when I tell you that I have a lot of responsibilities, why does being honest abt these matters lead you to be silent?
Go ahead be silent, I can't do much. Only time can prove what I am capable of doing when it comes time to build a life with another, only time can show you that sometimes the one that gets overlooked might just have been the good one.
But as for me, I will not advertise it yet for the sake of being honest to myself, for the sake of being respectful to you, for the sake of basing a lifelong relationship on honesty I will answer ur questions truthfully.
Time and again I am faced with this dilemma, should I answer it honestly, or should I lie or should I hide. But then I am not given a choice in this matter by Allah. Its not like I live in a vacuum where I can do something one day and erase it the next.
True our lives are like white-boards or blackboards(talk abt being ancient) we do move on to newer chapters, we do move on ahead yet in one form or the other, the earlier writing on the board leaves a mark. No matter how hard you erase, the light writing can still be read by a person looking at it hard enough.
So why even try to erase all that can be read, could it be possible that what you write on that board now is becoz of what you can see of what was written in the past.... is it possible that you are what you are becoz of what you did, the choices you made, and if you are a better person...does it make sense in saying that you would like to change all that you have done in the past.....
What abt when someone asks you abt the choices you made, the things you did, which are not the norm of the society you live in. Were they wrong? I think not, why do I think they were not wrong, coz I got closer to Allah, coz I learned humility, coz I learnt to value what all I have, coz I learnt that as long as I had my deen I did really have everything, I learnt to understand myself, I learnt to understand others, I came face to face with my flaws and I had to work myself out of them????
And how do girls do it, how does anyone do it for that matter. I am what I am, I did all that I did. I experienced, I battled, I was successful by the grace of Allah... then why lie to someone, why behave like that never existed. Plus how can I do that, I mean is there even a way that I could tell someone that I didn't work my way thru college, that I didn't live by myself, that I didn't love another human being......
Are we even right in expecting that from another? And why are men expecting that from women yet not delivering it themselves? Why are you shocked when I tell you I lived all alone? Why are you surprised when I tell you that I have a lot of responsibilities, why does being honest abt these matters lead you to be silent?
Go ahead be silent, I can't do much. Only time can prove what I am capable of doing when it comes time to build a life with another, only time can show you that sometimes the one that gets overlooked might just have been the good one.
But as for me, I will not advertise it yet for the sake of being honest to myself, for the sake of being respectful to you, for the sake of basing a lifelong relationship on honesty I will answer ur questions truthfully.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Do I dumb down or can you smarten Up.....
Salamalaikum,
I think this is a battle that will rage within me till I get married, on the outside this argument ensues on an almost daily basis with my family members, it will possibly continue with my husband (if I get married) .....
The popular answer is that to get married you show them what THEY wanna see... a demure, coy, shy girl who speaks in a soft voice. Is unknown to the world out there and does not know what really exists out there...waits for her man to take her hand and show her all that is out there. I should be waiting for him to extract the smart woman that lies inside.
Isn't that equivalent to cheating, not presenting who you really are? Sure ppl are like onions, different layers and all that (love the donkey in shrek for this) but how abt at least giving them an idea of who you really are. Does arranged have to mean showing them the picture they wanna see.
And I mean how do you get a 27 year old independent, smart girl who has a constant thirst for knowledge islamic and worldly to dumb down. How do you tell her to wait for her husband so that she can start analyzing all that exists out there..... helloooooo ...ever heard of the medium called internet.... it does allow everyone the opportunity to read what we call newspapers....
While I am expected to dumb down, why isn't my prospective husband expected to smarten up.... I mean Rasool Allah (Peace be upon him) married women who were smart, intelligent, strong women in their own right, who held their own either before being a part of his life or after his death.
I mean Khadija and Aisha (Radhi Allahu ta'ala 3nhum) were women who existed in a society that believed men to be the heads, the leaders. Yet they conducted business, and a madrassa with as much ease as men of their societies. So how come we name our daughters after them... yet when our daughters turn out like them.... the men of our 'Islamic' society are threatened by such women, or as fathers and brothers they will try to encourage dumbing it down.....
I mean think abt it, if you were asked to form a team wouldn't you want to have a partner that was as strong as you if not stronger to be able to win. Then why not a partner in deen and duniya who is strong and intelligent.....
Yes I know here comes the age old argument of the Alpha male and his need to protect what he believes is his 'delicate' one. A strong woman needs protection just as much as a delicate woman does, their levels might be different. Syeda Khadija (Radhi Allahu t3ala 3nha) was a strong woman, and her strength helped Rasool Allah when he first started calling the kuffar to Islam.... Syeda Aisha (Radhi Allahu t3ala 3nha) was a strong woman, a smart intelligent woman through whom we got a glimpse into the personal life of Rasool Allah, she questioned him abt different things. Had a sense of humor, and had a wit abt her.... She was Rasool Allah's (sallalahu alaihee wa sallam) half.
If we have such glorious examples in the history of Islam, why should I dumb down my intelligence, why should I be ungrateful to Allah for making me strong, for making me smart, for making me curious......why shouldn't I be thankful and grateful to Allah for blessing me with the capability to think for myself, for being able to judge the right from the wrong, for having the energy, the drive, the passion to better myself for my deen and my duniya.....
If you can't see anything good in these things for your son then may Allah bring in ur and ur son's life someone u have envisioned.... Aameen.
As for me, I'll hold on to my faith that Allah made me this way for a purpose and the best way to show my appreciation for all that He has blessed me with is that I use it in better preparing myself for a bright a'7khira..... and maybe just maybe in this world there is someone out there who will take me as I am for who I am inshAllah......
I think this is a battle that will rage within me till I get married, on the outside this argument ensues on an almost daily basis with my family members, it will possibly continue with my husband (if I get married) .....
The popular answer is that to get married you show them what THEY wanna see... a demure, coy, shy girl who speaks in a soft voice. Is unknown to the world out there and does not know what really exists out there...waits for her man to take her hand and show her all that is out there. I should be waiting for him to extract the smart woman that lies inside.
Isn't that equivalent to cheating, not presenting who you really are? Sure ppl are like onions, different layers and all that (love the donkey in shrek for this) but how abt at least giving them an idea of who you really are. Does arranged have to mean showing them the picture they wanna see.
And I mean how do you get a 27 year old independent, smart girl who has a constant thirst for knowledge islamic and worldly to dumb down. How do you tell her to wait for her husband so that she can start analyzing all that exists out there..... helloooooo ...ever heard of the medium called internet.... it does allow everyone the opportunity to read what we call newspapers....
While I am expected to dumb down, why isn't my prospective husband expected to smarten up.... I mean Rasool Allah (Peace be upon him) married women who were smart, intelligent, strong women in their own right, who held their own either before being a part of his life or after his death.
I mean Khadija and Aisha (Radhi Allahu ta'ala 3nhum) were women who existed in a society that believed men to be the heads, the leaders. Yet they conducted business, and a madrassa with as much ease as men of their societies. So how come we name our daughters after them... yet when our daughters turn out like them.... the men of our 'Islamic' society are threatened by such women, or as fathers and brothers they will try to encourage dumbing it down.....
I mean think abt it, if you were asked to form a team wouldn't you want to have a partner that was as strong as you if not stronger to be able to win. Then why not a partner in deen and duniya who is strong and intelligent.....
Yes I know here comes the age old argument of the Alpha male and his need to protect what he believes is his 'delicate' one. A strong woman needs protection just as much as a delicate woman does, their levels might be different. Syeda Khadija (Radhi Allahu t3ala 3nha) was a strong woman, and her strength helped Rasool Allah when he first started calling the kuffar to Islam.... Syeda Aisha (Radhi Allahu t3ala 3nha) was a strong woman, a smart intelligent woman through whom we got a glimpse into the personal life of Rasool Allah, she questioned him abt different things. Had a sense of humor, and had a wit abt her.... She was Rasool Allah's (sallalahu alaihee wa sallam) half.
If we have such glorious examples in the history of Islam, why should I dumb down my intelligence, why should I be ungrateful to Allah for making me strong, for making me smart, for making me curious......why shouldn't I be thankful and grateful to Allah for blessing me with the capability to think for myself, for being able to judge the right from the wrong, for having the energy, the drive, the passion to better myself for my deen and my duniya.....
If you can't see anything good in these things for your son then may Allah bring in ur and ur son's life someone u have envisioned.... Aameen.
As for me, I'll hold on to my faith that Allah made me this way for a purpose and the best way to show my appreciation for all that He has blessed me with is that I use it in better preparing myself for a bright a'7khira..... and maybe just maybe in this world there is someone out there who will take me as I am for who I am inshAllah......
Thursday, February 15, 2007
bidoon ak walla bidoonee
Sub7anAllah just when I was thinking of being a '7haleeji, I came across secretarabian's journal of bidoonak.
I used to think the exact same way as that pakistani girl he quoted.... we came here, we worked here, blah blah blah.... Up until 3 years ago I used to regurgitate the same exact things, why coz we heard it from our fathers, coz most pakistani families' heads believe that they gave their youth to this country and as a payback they should get the nationality.
Do I agree with those ppl now ? No, I don't ....but (yeah there had to be a but coming in) what abt ppl who have incorporated the local culture? What abt the ppl who think twice before littering the streets (the avg '7aleeji litters the streets and says we pay those street cleaners for something don't we) what abt the ppl who have consciously made an effort to look like one of you. And I mean physically pakistanis and arabs do have some similarity but what i mean by looking like you is they wrap the shehla like one of u, they wear the same kind of daffa that ur women do, their men wear kandoras or thobes like your men. When they say salam to you, they say it like you, heck most of you continue having a complete conversation with them without ever knowing they are not one of you (this one is always a feel good thing for me). How abt if one of you can't tell they are not one of you, when they actually make an effort to learn your language, when they know the national anthem of your country and can't for the life of them remember their own country's national anthem.
I do agree with most who say don't naturalize the ones who have hung on to their stuff, their culture, but do keep an open mind abt those who are serious abt integrating.
Did my dad do it all right....no not completely but I gotta give him credit where he deserves. He and mom took the opportunity to get their kids pronounciation of 3rabi right. Will I do the same, yes and inshAllah will do more.
To all those who are against naturalization, I understand where ur coming from but not all of us wear shalwar qameez, not all of us eat the same hot spicy food, not all of us are anti-integration with the arabs, not all of us are gonna take our daughters and sons back to the 'homeland', heck some of us are open to the idea of marrying in the culture we live in...
keep an open mind, i'll try to give you a chance if you give me a chance...... deal????
I used to think the exact same way as that pakistani girl he quoted.... we came here, we worked here, blah blah blah.... Up until 3 years ago I used to regurgitate the same exact things, why coz we heard it from our fathers, coz most pakistani families' heads believe that they gave their youth to this country and as a payback they should get the nationality.
Do I agree with those ppl now ? No, I don't ....but (yeah there had to be a but coming in) what abt ppl who have incorporated the local culture? What abt the ppl who think twice before littering the streets (the avg '7aleeji litters the streets and says we pay those street cleaners for something don't we) what abt the ppl who have consciously made an effort to look like one of you. And I mean physically pakistanis and arabs do have some similarity but what i mean by looking like you is they wrap the shehla like one of u, they wear the same kind of daffa that ur women do, their men wear kandoras or thobes like your men. When they say salam to you, they say it like you, heck most of you continue having a complete conversation with them without ever knowing they are not one of you (this one is always a feel good thing for me). How abt if one of you can't tell they are not one of you, when they actually make an effort to learn your language, when they know the national anthem of your country and can't for the life of them remember their own country's national anthem.
I do agree with most who say don't naturalize the ones who have hung on to their stuff, their culture, but do keep an open mind abt those who are serious abt integrating.
Did my dad do it all right....no not completely but I gotta give him credit where he deserves. He and mom took the opportunity to get their kids pronounciation of 3rabi right. Will I do the same, yes and inshAllah will do more.
To all those who are against naturalization, I understand where ur coming from but not all of us wear shalwar qameez, not all of us eat the same hot spicy food, not all of us are anti-integration with the arabs, not all of us are gonna take our daughters and sons back to the 'homeland', heck some of us are open to the idea of marrying in the culture we live in...
keep an open mind, i'll try to give you a chance if you give me a chance...... deal????
Monday, February 12, 2007
STOP .... I wanna get off NOW....
Its not true, tell me that this hasn't gone on for as long as it has... it can't have...it shouldn't have... No ride goes on for this long especially the kind that I've been on.... they are supposed to be jolts ... short and quick...yet this one seems to never end.... I don't want to play this game of yes, no... I don't want roundabout answers... I don't want to stick around anymore.... I wanna get off NOW...and by NOW I mean NOW....
You, you the oppressor, you the leader, you the head, you the sadist...yes thats right I called you a sadist coz you enjoy the pain you inflict, you enjoy knowing that there is someone who is reeling from the pain you have inflicted upon them. You get a high knowing that you caused someone to be helpless, you enjoy looking at another's helplessness... don't you.... Tell me it isn't so I know u will tell me but I have seen otherwise... I have been shown another picture....
But while I sit here and blame you for what you did.... I look at myself and think how did I let you do that... and while you were busy doing it ...why wasn't I busy walking away ... heck why wasn't I running in the opposite direction....What makes me stop dead in my tracks, what makes me give you another chance, what makes me listen to you once again....
I left a million times, I held myself back when all i really ever wanted to do was call you, when all I ever wanted to do was send you a msg, when all i ever wanted was to hear you be kind and sweet to me.... and then you kept coming back... and I kept taking it as a sign that maybe this was meant to be.... Now I sit here and ask myself was this really meant to be, if so why am I being asked to pay such a heavy price for it? Are the tears that have rolled my cheeks, the nights I have curled in my bed with my face in the pillow so no one will hear my sobs, the way my stomach has curled whenever you have mentioned the fact that this may never be, the way I have become nauseous when faced with the fact that this is coming to an end.... Is this a fair price to pay ..... forget the fact that the only person paying in this is me....
I need to leave, I have to leave ...for the sake of my sanity..... for the sake of survival I have to leave....
I know in the west, the catch phrase is I don't deserve this...but I can't seem to use it...coz I don't know what I deserve, the only being who can be just in giving me what I deserve is Rabbee.... but I can say one thing for sure.... I don't want this.
I don't want to be on a ride that has gone on for as long as it has, I do not want to be on a ride that has the side effects that I have experienced, I don't think the price I am being asked to pay is a fair price. I loved this ride, but it just ain't worth it.
You, you the oppressor, you the leader, you the head, you the sadist...yes thats right I called you a sadist coz you enjoy the pain you inflict, you enjoy knowing that there is someone who is reeling from the pain you have inflicted upon them. You get a high knowing that you caused someone to be helpless, you enjoy looking at another's helplessness... don't you.... Tell me it isn't so I know u will tell me but I have seen otherwise... I have been shown another picture....
But while I sit here and blame you for what you did.... I look at myself and think how did I let you do that... and while you were busy doing it ...why wasn't I busy walking away ... heck why wasn't I running in the opposite direction....What makes me stop dead in my tracks, what makes me give you another chance, what makes me listen to you once again....
I left a million times, I held myself back when all i really ever wanted to do was call you, when all I ever wanted to do was send you a msg, when all i ever wanted was to hear you be kind and sweet to me.... and then you kept coming back... and I kept taking it as a sign that maybe this was meant to be.... Now I sit here and ask myself was this really meant to be, if so why am I being asked to pay such a heavy price for it? Are the tears that have rolled my cheeks, the nights I have curled in my bed with my face in the pillow so no one will hear my sobs, the way my stomach has curled whenever you have mentioned the fact that this may never be, the way I have become nauseous when faced with the fact that this is coming to an end.... Is this a fair price to pay ..... forget the fact that the only person paying in this is me....
I need to leave, I have to leave ...for the sake of my sanity..... for the sake of survival I have to leave....
I know in the west, the catch phrase is I don't deserve this...but I can't seem to use it...coz I don't know what I deserve, the only being who can be just in giving me what I deserve is Rabbee.... but I can say one thing for sure.... I don't want this.
I don't want to be on a ride that has gone on for as long as it has, I do not want to be on a ride that has the side effects that I have experienced, I don't think the price I am being asked to pay is a fair price. I loved this ride, but it just ain't worth it.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
I am sorry... and I can only be sorry for my actions....
Assalamualikum,
This time I do wish peace upon you. Its odd that I always believed in signs from Allah, I don't think you did. You always made fun of it... but today since coming online all I have come across are hints of anger, how to manage them. Then someone astute mentioned yesterday a mechanism I employ to connect to others. And I do, do it. But using that mechanism with you was not the smartest thing to do. I should've spent time in understanding you better, and then choosing my mode of connection with you.
But this isn't abt that, this is abt me being sorry. We watch tv, movies, shows thinking that our mind is blank yet we are absorbing a lot of what is being said if not all of what is being said. And often times when we say sorry, we don't say it from our side to another person. Its like we are apologizing from their end to us. Kinda like when we say things like: I'm sorry I did this, and I'm also sorry that you lost such a wonderful person from your life (i.e me). Its just an example but its true, think abt it. Who said we needed to apologize for them not having us as a part of their life. That is their thing to decide, to feel sorry for. We are only responsible for what we do to them.
I myself am guilty of uttering these meaningless sorries. Just to rest easy, just so I can say to Allah, see I apologized. Pointing out someone's flaws in the time I am saying sorry to them. Not the best of things to do and all I can say is that as I grow, I am trying to learn and inshAllah I will get better.
Coming back to what this message was all abt, I am sorry. Just sorry for being mean to you, for getting mad at you, for hurting myself and using that hurt to lash out at you. For feeling that my healing can only take place if I hurt you. For wanting to change you knowing full well that the only lil ability I have is that to change myself. For attacking you thinking that would make things better, that would make you see what I see but you won't see what I see, not until you are where I am and you can only get their by your effort and Allah's will. I am sorry for using your tactics with you, when you attacked me and my culture I should've done what Rasool Allah advised control my anger yet I let it control me and so ensued a battle of your culture and my culture. In a nutshell I am sorry for all that I have done wrong towards you, that which I realize now and all that which I might realize later inshAllah and I might not be able to apologize for.
Why am I writing this, becoz I don't want to spend the rest of my life thinking of what I should've done when I realized all the wrong that was from my end. I realized, and I should've taken a step and for Allah's pleasure I did. Rest I leave to Him to decide as He wishes. All I can do is pray for His Mercy and forgiveness, after all He is the All-forgiving.
This time I do wish peace upon you. Its odd that I always believed in signs from Allah, I don't think you did. You always made fun of it... but today since coming online all I have come across are hints of anger, how to manage them. Then someone astute mentioned yesterday a mechanism I employ to connect to others. And I do, do it. But using that mechanism with you was not the smartest thing to do. I should've spent time in understanding you better, and then choosing my mode of connection with you.
But this isn't abt that, this is abt me being sorry. We watch tv, movies, shows thinking that our mind is blank yet we are absorbing a lot of what is being said if not all of what is being said. And often times when we say sorry, we don't say it from our side to another person. Its like we are apologizing from their end to us. Kinda like when we say things like: I'm sorry I did this, and I'm also sorry that you lost such a wonderful person from your life (i.e me). Its just an example but its true, think abt it. Who said we needed to apologize for them not having us as a part of their life. That is their thing to decide, to feel sorry for. We are only responsible for what we do to them.
I myself am guilty of uttering these meaningless sorries. Just to rest easy, just so I can say to Allah, see I apologized. Pointing out someone's flaws in the time I am saying sorry to them. Not the best of things to do and all I can say is that as I grow, I am trying to learn and inshAllah I will get better.
Coming back to what this message was all abt, I am sorry. Just sorry for being mean to you, for getting mad at you, for hurting myself and using that hurt to lash out at you. For feeling that my healing can only take place if I hurt you. For wanting to change you knowing full well that the only lil ability I have is that to change myself. For attacking you thinking that would make things better, that would make you see what I see but you won't see what I see, not until you are where I am and you can only get their by your effort and Allah's will. I am sorry for using your tactics with you, when you attacked me and my culture I should've done what Rasool Allah advised control my anger yet I let it control me and so ensued a battle of your culture and my culture. In a nutshell I am sorry for all that I have done wrong towards you, that which I realize now and all that which I might realize later inshAllah and I might not be able to apologize for.
Why am I writing this, becoz I don't want to spend the rest of my life thinking of what I should've done when I realized all the wrong that was from my end. I realized, and I should've taken a step and for Allah's pleasure I did. Rest I leave to Him to decide as He wishes. All I can do is pray for His Mercy and forgiveness, after all He is the All-forgiving.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Last words to you....
salam alaikum,
feel like a hypocrite even saying those words to you, becoz where I am right now I do not wish peace upon you. Yes its mean, but its also the truth. The truth of what is in me and the fact that I have once again shared it to your face.
I keep going back to the conversations I have had with you and keep thinking to myself, where did I lie to you? Did I not give you all the facts upfront, did I not give you the option of going further or stopping now... Did I not tell you that regardless of how 'ISLAMIC' your family is they carry with them the traditions that outweigh islam. i.e: Your mother questioning my chastity???
I do want to scream and rave and rant, but its of no use, becoz with everything you will have an excuse, that will exonerate from even accepting that you are in any way to blame for this.
Its amazing that you feel you can tell and share things abt others yet you would never share those same things abt yourself with your own mother. You would stand there and listen to her while she says, oh my son I do not know if she is still honorable yet u do not have the courage to say to your mother, I spent days and nights with another woman in the same room, maybe even on the same bed. Yet I claim to be pure.
The girl I have been talking to for the past two years has known of what all I shared with another woman who was never my wife, yet she never judged me on THAT !!! The only thing she cried abt was how I treated HER....
Wonderful way of the Ummah wouldn't you agree, we bring in the sunnah when it comes time to make someone else do the things in how we do them, we find hadith and real life examples from the Rasool's life to back us up.
Yet, when it comes to speculation abt another we chime in with our loved ones abt them. How abt saying to our loved one, let us look at ourselves who knows what kind of faults of ours Allah has hidden due to His infinite mercy.
The things/issues your mother is raising now, they are neither new to me nor am i shocked by them, but I was taken aback by your actions and reactions to all that she said. She doesn't know me from adam on the street. But you do... and you know me WELL.... You claimed friendship, here you proved you are not even a friend coz a friend would stand up and if not defend personally at least they would be able to say as a muslim, lets not speculate abt another's past only Allah knows what they did or didn't do.
For someone who has always passed judgement on my iman and deen, you have shown me a clear example of what deen becomes when its twisted for your own selfish needs and wants.
I wanted very very much to marry you becoz I believed you would be a good leader of the house, you would be a good father, and even tho you are young and wild at the moment, i saw traces of you returning to the path of your father and follow the right.
You know how you always said khanum I can't see you, I am not around you to know exactly I can only come to my conclusions based on what you tell me, well EMT I came to conclusions based on each and every one of your actions towards me.
You know your mother, all children have a very good idea of what makes their mothers tick. They have a very good idea of what ideas will fly and which will fail infront of their parents.
So in that case I hold you completely and totally responsible. I gave you the facts, I told you the truth and knowing what all you knew of your traditions, of your parents you still chose the path where I would get hurt. You lost nothing, but I got hurt. I got hurt even after being honest with you and towards you.
May Allah do justice for what you did. If not in this world then in the hereafter.
The rest is all going to be fine in your home, coz you never cared and you will never care. You will walk away telling yourself that mom didn't approve and therefore it wasn't meant to be. You msgd and that was that. Your job was done. Your job was not to make sure that u didn't hurt an innocent soul. You had put in the disclaimer that all this would be done on your mothers acceptance. You didn't put in the disclaimer that you would not do anything at all to make sure the other person didn't get hurt. That wasn't a part of the deal. Therefore you are not liable. And that makes it all easy, that makes it all wonderful....
Inna lillahee waa inna elaihee raaje'oun Allahumma ajarnee fee musabatee wakhluf lee khairam minha.....
feel like a hypocrite even saying those words to you, becoz where I am right now I do not wish peace upon you. Yes its mean, but its also the truth. The truth of what is in me and the fact that I have once again shared it to your face.
I keep going back to the conversations I have had with you and keep thinking to myself, where did I lie to you? Did I not give you all the facts upfront, did I not give you the option of going further or stopping now... Did I not tell you that regardless of how 'ISLAMIC' your family is they carry with them the traditions that outweigh islam. i.e: Your mother questioning my chastity???
I do want to scream and rave and rant, but its of no use, becoz with everything you will have an excuse, that will exonerate from even accepting that you are in any way to blame for this.
Its amazing that you feel you can tell and share things abt others yet you would never share those same things abt yourself with your own mother. You would stand there and listen to her while she says, oh my son I do not know if she is still honorable yet u do not have the courage to say to your mother, I spent days and nights with another woman in the same room, maybe even on the same bed. Yet I claim to be pure.
The girl I have been talking to for the past two years has known of what all I shared with another woman who was never my wife, yet she never judged me on THAT !!! The only thing she cried abt was how I treated HER....
Wonderful way of the Ummah wouldn't you agree, we bring in the sunnah when it comes time to make someone else do the things in how we do them, we find hadith and real life examples from the Rasool's life to back us up.
Yet, when it comes to speculation abt another we chime in with our loved ones abt them. How abt saying to our loved one, let us look at ourselves who knows what kind of faults of ours Allah has hidden due to His infinite mercy.
The things/issues your mother is raising now, they are neither new to me nor am i shocked by them, but I was taken aback by your actions and reactions to all that she said. She doesn't know me from adam on the street. But you do... and you know me WELL.... You claimed friendship, here you proved you are not even a friend coz a friend would stand up and if not defend personally at least they would be able to say as a muslim, lets not speculate abt another's past only Allah knows what they did or didn't do.
For someone who has always passed judgement on my iman and deen, you have shown me a clear example of what deen becomes when its twisted for your own selfish needs and wants.
I wanted very very much to marry you becoz I believed you would be a good leader of the house, you would be a good father, and even tho you are young and wild at the moment, i saw traces of you returning to the path of your father and follow the right.
You know how you always said khanum I can't see you, I am not around you to know exactly I can only come to my conclusions based on what you tell me, well EMT I came to conclusions based on each and every one of your actions towards me.
You know your mother, all children have a very good idea of what makes their mothers tick. They have a very good idea of what ideas will fly and which will fail infront of their parents.
So in that case I hold you completely and totally responsible. I gave you the facts, I told you the truth and knowing what all you knew of your traditions, of your parents you still chose the path where I would get hurt. You lost nothing, but I got hurt. I got hurt even after being honest with you and towards you.
May Allah do justice for what you did. If not in this world then in the hereafter.
The rest is all going to be fine in your home, coz you never cared and you will never care. You will walk away telling yourself that mom didn't approve and therefore it wasn't meant to be. You msgd and that was that. Your job was done. Your job was not to make sure that u didn't hurt an innocent soul. You had put in the disclaimer that all this would be done on your mothers acceptance. You didn't put in the disclaimer that you would not do anything at all to make sure the other person didn't get hurt. That wasn't a part of the deal. Therefore you are not liable. And that makes it all easy, that makes it all wonderful....
Inna lillahee waa inna elaihee raaje'oun Allahumma ajarnee fee musabatee wakhluf lee khairam minha.....
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Another day.....
Yet another day, and for so many days ...so many things going on. I keep wondering where is it worse, in the '7leej or in amreeka... I remember walking in malls, on the street looking at people, their faces, their eyes giving away more than they ever wanted. I do the same here, walking in seef, in the souq, when did we become them? when did we lose all the good we had, how did we end up losing it all.... when did the msg become lost to us. At what point of time did they become words only....
The black abayas, the black shehlas, the freshly powdered faces giving the illusion of a smooth flawless skin, the eyes bold and black with the finest most expensive kahl..... the sexy pout brought on by glossy plumpers, the mall lights reflecting off the shiny hair that were busy playing peek a book with the shehlas. the shehlas' bling forcing everyone to look their way. The walk full of a thousand words.....
I look at them, searching for happiness...the kind that makes the eyes twinkle, the kind that settles on your lips and you forget that its even there.... the kind that exudes a sense of calm and peace from you,..... but sometimes the thing you keep searching for is the thing farthest from you......
I guess i'm not the only one searching, their eyes show a constant struggle, a never ending search they have embarked on.... as they go from shop to shop, showroom to showroom of fine silks, rich brocades, dazzling diamonds, hot handbags, .... is this one going to make me happy?? will this one be the final one?? can i finally stop looking??
I wonder if any of them will ever look beyond themselves and their fancy malls to find happiness, peace and calm. The kind Islam came to give us....... I guess this is what marks the difference between a student who has an idea of the answer....and one who keeps searching for the right one forever......
The black abayas, the black shehlas, the freshly powdered faces giving the illusion of a smooth flawless skin, the eyes bold and black with the finest most expensive kahl..... the sexy pout brought on by glossy plumpers, the mall lights reflecting off the shiny hair that were busy playing peek a book with the shehlas. the shehlas' bling forcing everyone to look their way. The walk full of a thousand words.....
I look at them, searching for happiness...the kind that makes the eyes twinkle, the kind that settles on your lips and you forget that its even there.... the kind that exudes a sense of calm and peace from you,..... but sometimes the thing you keep searching for is the thing farthest from you......
I guess i'm not the only one searching, their eyes show a constant struggle, a never ending search they have embarked on.... as they go from shop to shop, showroom to showroom of fine silks, rich brocades, dazzling diamonds, hot handbags, .... is this one going to make me happy?? will this one be the final one?? can i finally stop looking??
I wonder if any of them will ever look beyond themselves and their fancy malls to find happiness, peace and calm. The kind Islam came to give us....... I guess this is what marks the difference between a student who has an idea of the answer....and one who keeps searching for the right one forever......
Monday, January 8, 2007
First one
Bismillah irrahma nirraheem.
Hmm, weird but most of the time i don't begin all my stuff with bismillah, inshAllah maybe now i might get into the habit of doing so by way of blogging. ahhh....the people that we are constantly looking for some good in every action of ours.
Don't really know who gave this advice, but it made sense. I wonder if someday men will start listening to the advice given to them by Rasool Allah in his last sermon. hmmm *me still wondering*
"O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.
"O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father's wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.
"O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.
"Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you:
"The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one's husband pleases Allah.
"The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be
found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.
"The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.
"The seventh and eight of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.
"The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be
filled with hatred towards you.
"Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.
Hmm, weird but most of the time i don't begin all my stuff with bismillah, inshAllah maybe now i might get into the habit of doing so by way of blogging. ahhh....the people that we are constantly looking for some good in every action of ours.
Don't really know who gave this advice, but it made sense. I wonder if someday men will start listening to the advice given to them by Rasool Allah in his last sermon. hmmm *me still wondering*
"O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.
"O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father's wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.
"O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.
"Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you:
"The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one's husband pleases Allah.
"The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be
found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.
"The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.
"The seventh and eight of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.
"The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be
filled with hatred towards you.
"Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.
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