In Two Boats.....

Salam alaikum,

The days seem to be ending quick... i am tired yet excited at the same time... like a long lost lover that is going to see her love after a very very long, exhausting dark journey. Finally I will get to be in His bait... His Home... where all my energy, my focus will be completely on Him and me. Where the sound of the adhaan, the taste of zam zam will wipe out the thirst that has lodged in my throat for a long long time... or maybe the taste of my own tears will wipe out the darkness left by the endless sins....the constant tawaf begging, pleading for His Mercy, His forgiveness....maybe that will finally give me the closure that I seek, maybe that will finally give me the peace that forced me to pray to Him to invite me to His Home....

And there I was hoping that when this day comes I will be alone on this journey towards Him, all it will be is me and Him. I shall only beg Him for forgiveness. Coz once I have that, thats all I need to start afresh.... I apologized, and have requested the forgiveness of ppl I have hurt knowingly.... yet I was ungrateful to Him, I was away from Him.... I need to set that right.... I need to know that He did wipe the slate clean ...coz He is the Only One who can.... yet I am once again put in a position where I stand on the lake with both my feet in two different boats...One that might be more acceptable to dad....and one that is more acceptable to me.... one good for my duniya and one that is good for my deen (at least this is what I can see standing in the box...) one who on the face of it looks like a perfect match for me.... and another who seems like a complete opposite... weird how everyone who looks at me seems to think which one I would like or go for.... and yet when I am inclined towards the other...they are shocked....and what comes out is ... u do not know your own worth.... neither do you know my worth....only Allah knows....

I feel guilty... I feel like I have an agenda now.... a lil thing creeped up in the white paper that I was taking with me... a lil to do list took shape... how and why I don't know... all I know is I need His guidance....I want Him to show me the way... to light the path I'm supposed to walk on...the path that will keep me on sirat al mustaqeem.... the path that will lead me to be closer to Him....

It will happen... I know it will...and what if it doesn't happen the way my mind could think of it happening....well in that case He will give my heart the strength to bear what He has willed...and bear it with an Alhamdulillah and a smile on my lips...inshAllah....