I am sorry... and I can only be sorry for my actions....

Assalamualikum,

This time I do wish peace upon you. Its odd that I always believed in signs from Allah, I don't think you did. You always made fun of it... but today since coming online all I have come across are hints of anger, how to manage them. Then someone astute mentioned yesterday a mechanism I employ to connect to others. And I do, do it. But using that mechanism with you was not the smartest thing to do. I should've spent time in understanding you better, and then choosing my mode of connection with you.

But this isn't abt that, this is abt me being sorry. We watch tv, movies, shows thinking that our mind is blank yet we are absorbing a lot of what is being said if not all of what is being said. And often times when we say sorry, we don't say it from our side to another person. Its like we are apologizing from their end to us. Kinda like when we say things like: I'm sorry I did this, and I'm also sorry that you lost such a wonderful person from your life (i.e me). Its just an example but its true, think abt it. Who said we needed to apologize for them not having us as a part of their life. That is their thing to decide, to feel sorry for. We are only responsible for what we do to them.

I myself am guilty of uttering these meaningless sorries. Just to rest easy, just so I can say to Allah, see I apologized. Pointing out someone's flaws in the time I am saying sorry to them. Not the best of things to do and all I can say is that as I grow, I am trying to learn and inshAllah I will get better.

Coming back to what this message was all abt, I am sorry. Just sorry for being mean to you, for getting mad at you, for hurting myself and using that hurt to lash out at you. For feeling that my healing can only take place if I hurt you. For wanting to change you knowing full well that the only lil ability I have is that to change myself. For attacking you thinking that would make things better, that would make you see what I see but you won't see what I see, not until you are where I am and you can only get their by your effort and Allah's will. I am sorry for using your tactics with you, when you attacked me and my culture I should've done what Rasool Allah advised control my anger yet I let it control me and so ensued a battle of your culture and my culture. In a nutshell I am sorry for all that I have done wrong towards you, that which I realize now and all that which I might realize later inshAllah and I might not be able to apologize for.

Why am I writing this, becoz I don't want to spend the rest of my life thinking of what I should've done when I realized all the wrong that was from my end. I realized, and I should've taken a step and for Allah's pleasure I did. Rest I leave to Him to decide as He wishes. All I can do is pray for His Mercy and forgiveness, after all He is the All-forgiving.